Is ninety-nine failing?

The real truth is that the perfectionist that lives within me is really cruel sometimes. There are times when her relentless pursuit of achievement helps me push beyond my limits. But most of the time her demands are so intense and the burden of her expectations so heavy that I am crushed by them. For all the evidence of hard work that people can see, it’s the inner battles that are much harder fought. In fact, those battles rage endlessly and many times I fight the same ones over and over again – overcoming the demons once doesn’t put them to rest for good.

For instance, as I sit here nearly paralyzed by the anxious question of “what if I don’t make it to 100 pounds by September 26”, I can hear her in my head telling me that 99 pounds would be a failure. Really? Is that really what I’m going with? Ninety nine pounds… failing? I would never let anyone say something so demeaning and cruel to anyone that I love. Yet I realize just how often those horrible internal tapes play and I don’t even HEAR them.

I wasn’t going to write about this because I didn’t really want anyone to know just how hard I still fight. The perfectionist in me wants it to look easy and effortless. But I got to thinking about how many other people, especially women (I understand them a little bit better, a very little bit), have those same kind of tapes playing in the background. How often do we look in the mirror and say something hateful to the reflection? I can’t even count the number of times I have started a conversation about my body with, “I wish I wasn’t…”
So this week I’m trying something new. I made a commitment to not say anything negative about myself for the entire week. Why not an entire lifetime, you ask? I need the success. A week I think I can do. Maybe I can string a lifetime together one week at a time.

I started this weight loss journey because I woke up one morning and I was done: done being tired, done being sad, done being lonely, done being afraid. I was just done. And I knew that I would stay the same, my life would stay the same, unless I made a change. Perhaps it's elementary, but if I wanted to be different, I had to be different. The same old worn-out, tried-and-true behaviors and thought patterns weren’t go to get me a different result. And now I’m done hating myself. Really. It’s been a lifetime. It doesn’t work for me. It doesn’t serve me. I’m moving on.

It will be challenge for a while to stay true to that – my patterns are deeply ingrained and frankly, horribly reinforced by a culture that’s constantly telling me that I’m not beautiful unless… - but I want my daughter to wake up in the morning and the first conversation she has with that growing girl in the mirror – someday too soon a growing woman- to a be a loving one. And she’s taking her lead from me.

If you have to doubt something, doubt your limits.

At about 75 pounds lost, I started thinking that maybe… just maybe… I could actually make it to my 100+ pound weight loss goal. I mean, let’s face it, starting out looking down a long road with more than 100 pounds to lose, it seemed like the road would never end, like the goal wasn’t really attainable. But when I hit 75 pounds I thought, “Huh. Maybe…” At 75 pounds, I was more than half way to my goal. I could look back and see the road I had traveled was longer than the road ahead.

Once I let myself start thinking that I might actually make it to my goal, I started to think about how to mark the occasion, how to celebrate the moment and at the same time celebrate the potential for everyone to achieve the things they once thought unachievable. At the same time, I wanted the moment to include all the people that I love and the many, many people who have supported, encouraged, loved and motivated me without comprise. I COULDN’T have done it alone. Really, I couldn’t. There have been long, horrible, painful plateaus when nothing seemed like it was changing even though I was doing all the “right” things. If it weren’t for the vigilant and steadfast faith of friends and family, I might have quit. I’m a fighter. I don’t give in. I fall and get up. Fall and get up. Fall and get up. But… we all get tired. And our spirits get worn out in the fight and the struggle to be our best selves. More than once the love and steady hand of a beloved has kept me going. How could I possibly celebrate any achievement without including them?

I also wanted my milestone to be tangibly meaningful to someone else - even if it was only one someone else. I wanted to make the hard fought road to have meaning beyond me. But what could I give? All I have is my story and my love of spinning. Spinning has made my legs wobbly more than once, but no matter how tired I am, I leave the studio feeling powerful. I stay on that bike for 45 (ok, let’s be honest, some of those spins are more like 60) minutes. Sometimes it’s a fight – can’t count how many times I’ve battled the demon “I can’t”. Sometimes it’s pure bliss and absolute euphoria. But either way (and lots of in-between), I stayed. I did it. And I’m always better for it.

I love the community at the spin studios. Fiercely. And I want everyone to know just how amazing they are; all the time, everyday, living their lives as best they can. And so, the birth of the 100-minute spin idea. It seems like a great way to share my milestone. We all get to sweat and push our bodies; stretching our limits… the 100-minute spin can express something that has been as much a spiritual and emotional journey as it has been physical. Every pound that I have lost has unearthed personal demons that I buried in the weight. Those battles are sometimes even tougher, but unavoidable and absolutely necessary for growth. In losing 100 pounds, I’m gaining. Gaining a new sense of confidence and capacity. Gaining a new outlook on possibility and purpose. Recapturing a sense of joy and wonder at the magnificent human body – in all shapes and forms.

What is that chasing me??!!

I feel like I have to compulsively keep moving, pushing my body harder... more workouts... longer workouts... it feels like I'm running from something that I desperately don't want to catch up with me.

How do you repay a debt that can't be repaid?

(Day 28 came and went, but I haven't been able to finish writing this post... there is so much to say and so few words that can really say it...)

This is it. Day 28... Wow. Really? Already?

I've been thinking this last week about how to say "thank you" and how to repay the debt that I owe to my teachers, to Ellen, to my friends and family who never wavered in their support for me... How do you repay a debt that can't be repaid? The depth of gratitude I feel humbles me in a way that I have a hard time articulating. My life is fundamentally different than it was 28 days ago... I am different. I began these 28 days with the word "fearless" tattooed on my heart. And I never could have pushed myself to explore what that means in my life without the constant vigilance of the beloveds in my life. My friends and teachers (who are all really one and the same) created a wide open space for me to push what I thought where the boundaries of who I am, to take leaps of faith and fall off cliffs, to fall apart and pull myself together again, to be completely broken... and then remade. How do I say thank you for that?

To my teachers at the studios:
How can I thank Natalie for being an exquisite model of grace and beauty? How can I thank Hilary for the gentle, warm encouragement that touches my heart at the very moments when I am most vulnerable? How do I thank Susie for the gift of her spirit and generosity of heart? How do I thank John for modeling commitment and perseverance? How do I thank Jason for being the kind of man who brings the best out in me? How can I thank Elizabeth for her quiet and unassuming strength that sets the bar so very, very high? How do I thank Claudine for teaching me that workouts can be fun as well as kickass? And Ellen... how do I thank Ellen? I am at a complete loss for words...

The opportunity that Ellen gave me is the kind that people dream of being offered... the opportunity to remake themselves. We can all do it - truthfully we could all do it at any time - but Ellen saw me, right where I was, as I was... struggling, fighting for something more from myself - and made a safe space for me to do that work. She committed her time and invested her heart in the work of me. What words are there to possibly express my gratitude?

And everyday my beloved friends and family were (and are) my greatest cheerleaders and believers. I cannot even describe the feeling of waking each day knowing in every cell of my body that I am absolutely loved with a ferocity that could light the world. It is humbling to be loved that way - by the mother who gave me life, the daughter who makes my life worthwhile, and the friends who make the days of my life full to overflowing.

So, how do I repay a debt that cannot be repaid? I'll have to pay it forward. I'll have to bring my whole self and full heart to everything that I do and share what I have with anyone who needs it. Some days I will fall short. And I'll miss the mark. And when I do, I'll look back on these 28 days and be inspired to keep working... pushing... growing. My friends, family and teachers will be there.

Wahoo!

I’m still floating from my weigh-in last night: I've lost 75 pounds!! (11 of which I have lost in the last three weeks working through this twenty eight day challenge.) I have been working towards that number for so long – stuck it out through a 9 month plateau where I couldn’t lose an ounce – and there it is. 75 humongous pounds. That’s the weight of an entire human being: 1 ½ of my daughter. That’s 15 bags of sugar. That’s 9 gallons of water. It’s a 75 pound bag of personal demons, sadness, disappointment, and self-hatred. Gone. I won’t carry that anymore. Any of it.

I left my private with boot camp session with Ellen yesterday completely spent – totally exhausted. But not broken, not even close. I can’t really even describe the joy that accompanies this particular exhaustion. As tired as I am I still feel like I can take on the world. What is there that I can’t do? All those platitudes that people throw around that I tend to dismiss because I hear them so often suddenly have very deep meaning to me: “What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?” “Believe in yourself without compromise”. “Your only limits are self-imposed”. It’s true. All of it.

And what’s failure anyway? Even if I hadn’t lost a pound in the last three weeks with Ellen, it wouldn’t have been failure. I have pushed my body, my heart, my spirit right to the edge – some days we even went right over that edge – and I didn’t give up. It didn’t even occur to me. When I was sad, I sat with it. I didn’t eat to make it better. When I was tired, I pushed through it. I didn’t sit back and wait to feel inspired – I went to the studio and inspired myself, letting my beloved teachers help spark the blaze. I surrounded myself with people who believe in me without comprise so that when I started to waiver, their support helped set me back on track.

So, I’m starting my last 7 days of my 28 day challenge. I can’t believe that I’m almost at the end of something that won’t really ever end.

Feelin' good and lookin' good

Yesterday was my third private ass-kicking session with the goddess I call Ellen. We've been laughing a lot lately - sometimes I look like a elephant in tap shoes trying to move gracefully through the series of booty shapin' exercises she gives me. Let's take my jumping jacks for instance. Um... er... seriously. I wouldn't want a video of that posted on Youtube. That's all I'm sayin'. But they are improved since week one, by a lot, so I'm confident that with my continued hard work and perseverance, they'll be graceful, strong, and awesome soon.

I can't believe I am 2 weeks into this 28 days already! It's going sooooo fast. Too fast. I don't even really have time to digest all that I am doing or assimilate all the changes in my body. Friends say they can see the difference - I can't - but I feel, well, crazy awesome! I need a t-shirt that says "I AM FIERCE" because that's how I feel. And it infects all the other aspects of my life, too. What happens in the gym definitely does not stay in the gym. I feel more confident to take on new challenges in my personal life, i.e. dating (yuck!), and at work I'm a little bit more bold.

I know that I'm still too stuck on the scale - I think Ellen may physically escort me from the building if I don't get past that soon - so there's work for me there; To let go of the scale, of the results (or not) that show up there. What I'm doing for myself with this challenge is so much more than that. And it will come. Ellen keeps telling me that it will happen after the 28 days is over. So I have to keep bringing myself back and reframing my assessment of "success". I feel successful. Right now. Not in 5 pounds. Not in 50 pounds. Right now. I feel like I have accomplished something so huge that there really aren't words. But here are four: I haven't given up.

Body blues

My stomach has hurt for the last 2 days and I'm headed in to see my primary care doc this afternoon. My right knee has been tight and painful for the past few days, too. After having had my left ACL reconstructed, I don't want to play around with my knees. It would just about kill me if I had to stop working out right now. I'm trying to not freak out - I'm planning on her telling me that a little ice and some ibuprofen will fix everything.