Some Days Are Just Going to Be Hard

And this one hurt. It started it out fine. I woke up excited for spin (as always) and class was great (as always). I felt great - about the way my body and I worked together during spin, the way I looked in my smaller size clothes, the way I have commited and stuck with my new eating plan - but it didn't last all day. Ugh.

I realized that I have used my weight as a way to protect myself from hurting. From being hurt. From the sting of lonliness and rejection. And as I have shed the pounds and changed the shape of my body, the sting of feeling unwanted is so much more intense. I can't hide behind my weight anymore.

I refuse to run to food anymore. I can't use the chocolate, the muffins, the extra calories to cover up that pain anymore. I just have to sit with it. So here I am... sitting with it. And it hurts. But I'll survive it and I want to be stronger for having sat through it. I'll get to the otherside. And I'll be different for having made different choices.

Bring it on!

3:30 pm today. That's when I have my next private ass-kicking session. My legs are still not 100% recovered from last week and then John pushed me hard last night and this morning at Spin. My quads feel... it's hard to describe... but it's almost like they feel faint. Does that make sense? It's not exactly a burn, not an ache... more like a weakness, a faintness. They don't feel strong underneath me yet - not solid. Maybe I'm missing something nutritionally here. Jason said this morning that I should have a sports drink - that he thought all the sugar was gone out of my legs. I meant to get one and forgot. What the heck does it mean for all the sugars to be gone out of your legs? I'm gonna have to google that... geez, there is so much for me to learn about my body, exercise, nutrition, health - will I ever know how to just be healthy and not have to be so freakin' purposeful about it all the time? Does everyone have to work this hard?!

That verges on whining, I know. Pull it together, Zephyr.

And why am I forever HUNGRY? The last two days I've been hungry all the time. Eat. I'm hungry. Eat. I'm hungry. Eat. I'm hungry. And I'm high protein all the time. Chicken and veggies. Tofu and veggies. Sweet potato, tofu, spinach and cucumbers for lunch yesterday. No processed sweets (in fact, no sweets at all), no carbs other than the veggies and fruit. Lots of nuts. And glorious cheese... with apples. YUM! Protein smoothie every morning. But I always hungry. What's up with that? What am I missing here? It's lame. I can be satisfied but it's fleeting. Before I know it, I want to eat again. I gotta get this thing figured out - it's crazy-making.

How do I eat for this class this afternoon? What do I need to compensate for the fact that my legs are all goofy? Should I have carbs? Massive proteins? Ugh. I feel stupid. Isn't this crap that I should already know?

I don't want to feel my f@$%in' feelings!

So, here's something fun that I didn't think about before I started this 28 days. Or maybe I thought about it and chose to ignore it. Either way, here's the thing: when you are an emotional eater - for me it's chocolate and muffins, who knows why - you eat when you feel things that make you uncomfortable. Frankly, I would eat those things when I didn't want to think about things that make me uncomfortable either. Well, when you take away those food crutches and no longer have the distraction of food to keep your mind and heart busy with processing the extra calories, you have to feel stuff. LOTS of stuff. LOTS of uncomfortable stuff. It's like taking the all the extra crap out of the room of mirrors and all you're left with is you and the mirror. Ouch.

I've been trying to use exercise as a substitute food - the pain in my body keeping me distracted from having to think or feel things - but here's the other nasty little secret: your body stops hurting. That physical distraction wains and I'm left with... well, myself and the mirror. Though I could be talking about an actual mirror, I'm really talking about the metaphorical mirror. The "me" that I can't escape anymore. She and I have to deal with each other. Honestly. And now. No more "later". No more hiding behind the distraction of food and relationships and the stuff that I can always find to keep me busy.

I've passed on the chocolate and the muffin. "Stay stonger, sister" I keep telling myself. I have survived so damn much, I refuse to give in the fear of seeing myself clearly, honestly... No amount of chocolate will ever make me feel the way learning to love who I am will...

Ahhh... and then she rested.

The past two days of rest have been good for me. I'm still challenged to get in and out of chairs without pain, but at least I'm not falling into chairs anymore. And I'm loving the feeling in my legs... they are getting so strong. I can feel the muscles work and flex as I take steps, go up stairs, move my body... that feels incredible even though tinged with pain.

Actually feeling my muscles work is amazing, but I can see them working, too!! I caught myself in the mirror at spin Friday night and could actually see my quads working! I guess that means one of two things has happened: I've finally lost enough fat off my legs that you can start to see the muscle or my muscles have grown enough that they are pushing through the fat. Or could it be that both things have happened? Be still my heart.

Eating enough is still hard... I don't actually know what "enough" is... Ellen said that if I'm still hungry I should eat more. But I'm not always hungry when I think I should be. And when I'm hungry, it hasn't been taking much food to stop the hunger. I'm eating a lot more protein and a cracker/cookie/bread/noodle hasn't touched my lips since last Wednesday. And I haven't had any chocolate or processed sweets, either. That's a first ever. Me not eating chocolate is a clear indication that something major has shifted. Every time I think about eating something that I think I want, like chocolate, muffins, and ice cream, I remember how much pain I was in last week and how long it has taken to recover. I just think "it's not worth it". What I want more than a piece of chocolate are legs that won't quit!

I'm excited to get back to the studio for more spin tomorrow... still worried that I won't be 100% ready for Wednesday with Ellen, but I'll bring my whole heart to it no matter what.

The Day After (and the day after that)

I woke up yesterday unable to walk without a funny gimp. I knew it would only get worse, which it has, but I managed to make it to spin in the morning and a bootcamp class with Susie in the evening. I cheated a lot but I felt triumphant that I was even there. And I knew that I needed to move the muscles that hurt in an effort to push that lactic acid out of them.

I hurt enough that I didn't think too much about whether I had done a enough the day before - I couldn't have given any more than I did - that should be enough. And when I saw Ellen at the studio she told me that I did great, "really amazing" she said, and then admitted that our workout together had been a little extra "spicy". I felt better knowing that she wasn't disappointed.

Today I can't get in and out of chairs without agony. And forget stairs! I went to spin this morning, thinking that I would just ride recovery and let my muscles warm up. Of course, it turned out to be less recovery and more work, but my legs felt better being warm... I would have stayed on the bike all day if I could. It seems like the only time my legs don't hurt is when I'm riding. I'll go back for more this evening...

Eating has been odd the last couple of days. I know I should be eating more, but I'm less hungry. Ellen wants me to eat high-protein/low-carb, which has been surprisingly easy for me so far (I know this will get more challenging). I'm having a protein shake in the morning and then some chicken and veggies for lunch, with a repeat for dinner. Throw in some fruit and nuts for snacks and presto, my daily meals. It's a bit of a challenge to transition from my Weight Watchers habit of counting and weighing everything. I can eat all whole foods, but nothing that comes in a box or a wrapper. It feels good and it allows me to eat the foods that I really love, that fill me up with energy and joy.

I haven't lost any weight. In fact, I'm 3 pounds heavier than I was Tuesday before I started with Ellen!! But I'm trying to convince myself that it's muscle and/or lactic acid retention and/or water retention... And I really should stop weighing myself. That's not the only gauge for my success during these 28 days.

My legs are wrecked, my arms are so sore that it hurts to reach for the phone but I feel good. And I'm not going to quit. Ever.

Day One of Twenty Eight

I went to my first private class with Ellen with butterflies in my stomach. I felt sick just imagining what lay ahead. I know she wants for me only all that I want and dream of for myself. Why am I so afraid? And what on earth am I so afraid of...?

It was hard. It was so, so hard. The hardest part was that horrible, creeping feeling that I was failing... failing Ellen, failing myself... just failing. Why aren't I stronger? I wanted to be better... more... stronger... tougher than I was. Why can't I just will my brain to turn off the signals that say it hurts?

She makes me watch myself in the mirror. That makes me sick. I know it shouldn't, but it does. I know I shouldn't admit that, but I am. I wish I felt inspired by the sweating, straining, heavy-breathing girl in the mirror, but I'm not. I'm tired of her. And she's tired of her, too.

After it was over, we sat in front of each other. "Choose your choice, Zephyr. You don't have to be here. Know what you want and focus on that, stay with it." Then I started to cry. "I don't care if you cry, Zephyr. That's ok. Just don't ever give up. I want to see your heart. You can change the world. I want you to have the stamina and endurance to be able to do that. You know, Zephyr, you come to spin with such joy. But I see trapped sadness in you. I want you to work through that." Ugh. How is it possible that she can see that? I'm so proficient at covering... concealing... how could someone ever know that about me without me letting them in? And I let so few into that place...

She told me it would be hard. She said I would go through things... it was going to be emotional. She wasn't wrong.

So, I'm still breathing. And I'm still standing and walking (though barely... seriously I can barely walk without my legs buckling underneath me). And I'm going to be ok. This will all be ok. And I'll show up for next week's private class with my heart in my hands ready to give up, give in and give over to it all over again.